Article by: Rivka A. Edery, MSW, LCSW in SurviveTransformSoar.com | Fri, June 8, 2018

Step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves
Thank goodness Step 4 is not the first one you do after a toxic relationship ends. You’ve already had someone ‘inventory you,’ find you lacking and tell you every problem is your fault. It takes a while to ‘get the stomach’ to make a fearless inventory of yourself!

Yet Step Four is the key to your future because it will help you see beyond what you think you know about yourself.

Step Four will also help you gain conscious awareness of your personal reality, or personal filter system. I define “personal reality” as your feelings, thoughts, behaviors, habits and beliefs.

This conscious awareness is crucial because most of your life experiences are filtered through your personal reality. Bringing your personal filter system to the surface will enable you to effect long-term changes of conditions and resolve the causes of your problematic patterns.

When writing a personal inventory, the patterns of how you reacted to resentments will help you understand your life on a much different level than you may have up to this point.

Get Rid of Your ‘Broken Tools’
The purpose of a Fourth Step Inventory (lists of your resentments, fears, sex conduct and review of harms other than sexual) is to help you identify what “broken tools” continue to have power over your life experiences.

The Fourth Step entails a readiness to look within and address what changes will improve your life.

For example, it is very easy to say: “I really want to stop this habit of lying to my spouse” (use your own examples), when in fact, you find it very hard to tell the truth. If you are not aware that it is hard for you to tell the truth, you will not be able to decide to change it.

The Fourth Step Inventory is a fact-finding, fact-facing, searching, detailed list that will disclose behavioral problems that are no longer serving you in your life. It details your personal “reality.” To sort out what is harmful that you need to let go of, you need to carefully examine what is your personal reality.

If you are not completely committed to the process of sorting out and discarding your personal obstructions, you will remain a victim of your own limiting beliefs, thoughts, feelings and habits. The goal when doing this inventory is to do it thoroughly and courageously.

Suggested Pre-Inventory Prayer
“My Creator, I invite you in to help me work openly, directly, intensely, and truthfully to write my personal inventory. I ask for your help in approaching my inventory with courage, strength, faith, grace, tolerance and patience so I can discover what my personal stumbling blocks are. Help me to accept my past and present feelings and behaviors related to the trauma and to help me change behaviors that are no longer useful. I no longer want to remain trapped with my secrets. Help me to have a more expanded view of myself and to move through my fears as I set out to explore the truth about myself. I ask for your Presence so I will not be overwhelmed or despair because of this discovery process. Amen.”

The Fourth Step Inventory consists of four “inventories”:

1. Resentments
2. Fears
3. Sex Conduct
4. Harms done to others

Resentment is understandable…but try to pluck it out so you don’t get stuck there.

Resentment is a re-feeling (think ‘re-sentiment’) of anger whenever you think of something significant. Divide a sheet of paper into five columns and label the columns as follows:

Column 1: Who or what am I resentful toward?

Column 2: What happened? (Or what did not happen, what did I not receive or what was taken from me?)

Column 3: Which aspect of me was affected or violated? (Examples: self-esteem, pride, personal relationships, physical assets, ability to trust, emotions)

Column 4: What did I do or not do? Here you are looking for your own mistakes, if there were any, to contribute to this situation. If you were abused as a minor, state that. Children are never responsible for their abuse. If you were a victim and did not contribute to what happened, state that as well.

Column 5: Which, if any, character-defects may have played a role in this? (If you were a child, or were completely innocent as an adult, just state that). Examples of “Character Defects” are: Selfish, Self-Seeking, Dishonest, Fearful, Inconsiderate, Withdrawn, Withholding, Stubborn, Lust, Negativity, Playing God, Controlling, Revenge, Prideful, Anger, Insecurity, Guilt, Needy, Self-Pity, Perfectionism, Irresponsible, Broken Word, Denial and Delusion, Compulsive, Impulsive, Greed, Jealous, Abusive. (Fill in anything that I left out here).

I suggest that you start out with your most intense resentments and then proceed with the rest of your resentments.

REMINDER: Step Four is about growth, moving forward and honest self-appraisal. If you are inclined toward self-blame and feel overcome by self-punishment, I suggest that you reach out for support. There is no growth or transformation in self-deprecation.

A Word On Fear
Fear is one of the four primal human emotions: fear, love, anger and joy. Fear can be a gift that warns you of danger or a real problem that requires a solution. Fear can also be your own self-crafted illusion.

Fear gets its supremacy to the extent that you avoid facing or feeling it. It also maintains its influence over you to the exact degree that you run away from it. Fear is often a gift because it reveals information that you need for your safety and security; fear can also be debilitating.

Looking within is scary–the blindfold (your defenses) is there for a reason.
It’s OK to go slowly and unveil only what you can handle without re-triggering trauma.

The goal of writing a Fear Inventory is to inquire into the role of fear in your life: What are your specific fears? Why do you have these fears? How are they related to your resentments or dependency needs? And finally, are you willing to transform your fears into a trust for an Infinite Creator and pray for guidance on what your Creator would have you be (opposite of your fears)?

Post-Inventory Follow-Up
Resentment, as previously described, is when you remember an incident and you feel anger. You can imagine a red flag going up every time you are having resentment.

After you do a Fourth Step Inventory about it, you can test to see if you still have resentment. Think about it and notice if the Red Flag of Resentment is either up or down.

I do not want to falsely present Step Four as a magic pill that will erase resentments. However, there is something very powerful about getting YOUR story out on paper and reviewing it in a systematic and analytical way, with the intent for spiritual transformation. Sometimes a shift in perspective can occur just by letting out the pain and grief.

There are some things that will always be a sore point, and no amount of inventorying will make a difference. That is okay. The point is to get out the anger in a way that is safe, organized and concrete.

Next quarter, we will work through the other three inventories: fears, sexual conduct, and harms done to others. There is no need to fear these. I will recommend that you only proceed when you are ready, but when you are, the Fourth Step can be a lamp with the power to change your life and prevent re-victimization from future toxic relationships.

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