Opal’s Toxic Relationship Recovery Story

The Facebook Flirt

I had been single for a long, long time when this guy on Facebook who was a friend of friends (I did not know him), started a friendly conversation. After months of messages on Facebook (I was cautious and did not reveal a lot), we started phone calls.

We lived in separate states and met after a year. I found him attractive, interesting and he seemed true to his word, yet there were red flags (he raged against his siblings), but I was excited about this whirlwind and chose to ignore them. We were eventually in the same state and moved in together.

Way too fast. I really didn’t know him all that well but chose to take the plunge. I was looking for excitement, the kind of romantic risk I had not done since my twenties.

No Affection, No Sex, No Job
The first night together sex was unsuccessful, as my body knew the truth and shut down. We lived together for over 4 years and never had a sexual encounter after that night. In fact, we had separate bedrooms. That was a great protection for my soul!

On other levels, it was somewhat enjoyable living with him as I had not lived with a man for 20 years—he was a musician, chatty and funny, he loved animals and coffee and did not drink alcohol. But he did smoke cigarettes.

Due to a major injury when he broke his shoulder, he was allegedly not able to find a job. So here I was in a house we bought together (he convinced me to do this; he paid the down payment, yet he never contributed money to anything after that).

More little fires raised their smoke signals to me during the first three months: He yelled at me when I refused to buy him cigarettes. He jerked his whole body away and looked at me with disgust one time I hugged him.

We Know…And We Wait
Immediately I knew I had to get away from this huge mistake. What kept me? First, I didn’t want to ruin my credit by walking away and I had brought my pets. While he seemed gentle towards them, I worried he would take revenge on them.

My pets were the number one reason I stayed silent with my long simmering plan. I had plastic crates full of my things in the garage and at the three-month mark, I decided to never unpack because I was going to move. Somehow.

I secretly started therapy and the therapist was so helpful; he guided me to see what I could not see clearly. The narcissist was charming, funny, he told me I was prettier than Angelina Jolie (um hmmm). His hard luck stories touched my caretaker side and I felt sorry for him.

My tendency has been to see the good side of people even when they have horrible sides, which he did. Temper. Narcissism. He was Always Right. Everyone else he deemed idiots, not as smart as he was.

Fear…Depression…Confusion…and Still We Wait
I was paying the mortgage, the bills, food, his stupid cigarettes and I even got him on my job’s health insurance because I was so scared if something happened to him, I would be held responsible for the huge bills. I just didn’t know what to do.

There were weeks of peaceful times without rages, but I was more depressed. Certainly, I was not in love with him. I would lay in bed weekend after weekend; I did not want to be around him or in the crappy house and junky city we were living in.

Red flags and the rages were over little things: He screamed at me one night that I wanted to kill him because I had put on perfume and he was allergic. Another time he screamed when I cooked with curry and said he couldn’t breathe. Rages about how I drove, or parked the car, or if I talked to my friends on the phone! Rages against neighbors and once a scary episode of his road rage.

I learned to get up quietly if he was asleep and I would write to my angels during the quiet mornings. Why did I stay? I ask myself this all the time. There were moments of semi-nice times, coffee, dinner, talking about the weather (which we both liked), or feeding the many stray cats (we both loved cats).

So I held on, waiting for some answers pointing me to the right road. And again the pity I felt towards him – I didn’t want to leave him in the gutter (which I later learned was not and is not my responsibility. I see that now.)

The Death Wish and The Turning Point
At 2 1/2 years, I had been crying (when alone) and at my wits end. I knew it was bad; when he was out, I would pray he got into a car accident. I did not really wish injury on him, but it was a sign how trapped I felt, scared and sick of his rages.

The huge turning point was February, a cold night, and I was in my bedroom with my cat. At 3 AM he barged into my room scaring me awake. He was screaming, “You opened the fucking window and I cannot breathe.”

The windows were closed. I had not opened the windows. Even if I had opened the windows, this was terrifying, inappropriate, violent behavior. His screaming was incessant and my heart rate went up very high. He finally stumbled back to his room.

Reaching Out for Support
I went outside, trying to calm down, and by 9 AM I went to my car and I called my realtor. I told him I had to move; I had to get away from this man and I didn’t want to ruin my credit. He said get out and move; he said do not worry about your credit as we can always let them know you were the one that made all the payments. This was the answer I needed. I felt stronger.

Later that day when the narcissist got up, I didn’t talk to him for an hour, then finally I looked at him and said, “Don’t you ever talk to me that way ever again. I am paying for everything and do not deserve that. I am going to walk out if you do that again.” (In my heart I knew I was already going!) It worked. Standing up to him got him by surprise. He was a bully, but he was also fearful.

After years of shame, I finally confessed the truth to my sisters. They were in healthy, happy relationships so I was ashamed of my situation. However, telling them was the best thing I could have done. They did not shame or blame me; they wholeheartedly supported and encouraged me to get out as soon as possible.

Making a Plan and Easing Out
The next few months I made a point of repeatedly telling the narcissist I wanted to move to another city to be closer to my mom and dad. My parents thankfully were in great health, but I used this as an excuse to let the narcissist know I was moving.

It worked; he didn’t argue about it. I made him think I would still be in his life after I moved, even though that was not true. I used manipulation and lies, but I had to; it was the only way to protect myself and my pets. It was him or me and I was ready for it to be me. No more little nice girl.

At the three-year mark, a miracle happened. The narcissist got a job. I knew it would not last; he had an impossible time getting along with people. I knew he would be fired at some point. I picked up the pace! Every weekend I drove to the neighboring cities at least 45 minutes away. I had fun looking at apartments, feeling inklings of my old self.

Finally, the perfect apartment was found! Down payment made and the narcissist was on board with me moving. He thought it would be temporary and I would be back. He rambled on about the things he’d do to the house, how much “we” would enjoy it. I just let him think I would be back. I packed night and day for 3 weeks, fully ready when the movers came.

Out! (Kinda)
I was actually leaving! Not a sad bone in my body. Once my cats were in the car and at the boarding place down by my new apartment (so they wouldn’t be scared), I felt I could breathe. I drove to my new apartment ahead of the movers and when I opened the front door, I literally jumped up and down. I felt born again.

It was not over. Quickly, the first month I was in my apartment, I had to do paperwork to sign over the house to him. I wanted no part of the house or any link to him; I didn’t care about any losses. Just get my name off the deed! The house was his. Done. Then there were other things I had to switch: his car insurance, AAA, I took him off my health insurance.

I stayed in touch with him the first year after I moved as there was one more cat he had that I wanted to rescue from him. I played the game because he threatened to take her to the shelter at various times to manipulate me into coming over to help him with her.

And within this first year, yes, he did get fired! Six months after I moved into my new place. There still was lingering brainwashing and pity for him, which kept me in touch with him. I would drive down to see him for breakfast and check on the cat. He would rail about the lawsuit he was planning for being laid off and I would go back to my apartment exhausted.

Resourcefulness – Seeking More Help
I knew I still needed help. The brainwashing about having to be “home” at a certain time and fear of his rages, the brainwashing that had me lose my sense of who I was remained.

I went back to my therapist, who was a godsend. He taught me about narcissists. The therapist said to me, “Where is it written that just because you lived with someone means you have to talk to them the rest of your life?” I still use that phrase!

I found Melanie Tonia Evans’ website and her teachings focus on helping the codependent person figure out his or her part in the relationship. Taking a good look at myself over the next months, I saw my patterns, my fear of parents’ anger, thus my fear of anyone’s anger. The nurturing side of me that was so kind in many ways blinded me when someone was not good for me.

I worked with Melanie’s website for months, along with regular visits to my therapist. I found the Flying Monkeys website which also helped. Many YouTube lectures, too. I was obsessed with healing.

I was finally able to rescue the last cat. I brought her to the apartment and I had all my pets with me. The last ties were cut. I did tie cutting and self-protection visualizations to keep me going.

Getting To Certainty
The narcissist had a fit of rage towards me about something of mine he threw in the trash to punish me; he sent me a photo of the item in the trash can. Right then and there I decided I had to go no contact.

Then and there, I blocked him from my phone. I deleted him from my Facebook friends list. He began emailing me frequently. My heart pounded in fear, but I never answered, just deleted. Could not change my email address because so many things are linked to it. As time went by, the emails became less.

I have been no contact now for 1 year and 7 months. He emailed me this week some stupid picture which I deleted. I suspect I shouldn’t read the emails so I am going to set my emails to put his straight to trash.

Evolving and Enjoying…Myself
I am greatly healed but am still an evolving person in progress. I recognize my patterns about people not just romantic possibilities. For example, I met someone who I thought could be a fun friend to hang out with, but she showed red flags of narcissism and self-centered bossiness and my body literally had me run out of the party to get away from her. It was a weird reaction, but I listened to my body. I am no longer going to overlook other’s traits that hurt or drain me.

In between my full-time job, I go to the gym, love walking, writing in my journal, watching happy movies, seeing my sisters and brother more and just overall feeling more free. I am doing more creative work such as writing fiction and playing my guitar. I am talking on the phone to old friends I had neglected. Babying my cats. Traveling in December. Putting it out there for a healthy relationship. But the most number one relationship I need to be happy and whole is with myself.

Dawn’s amazing website came to me at just the right time! Her website is perfect for the next phases of my life changes and I have marveled at how she appeared at just the right time!

I hope my story helps. I never thought I would be in an abusive severely dysfunctional relationship, but I was. Finding new strengths helped me get free and to learn my part in attracting that situation. I continue to heal that side of me and will attract new and healthier relationships and friendships. And overall find peace, love and happiness within myself.