Survive, Transform, Soar! – Issue #10

Now It’s Time for You:
Learning To Self-Care

Article by: Leanne Rose Dorish, M.A., in SurviveTransformSoar.com | Friday, May 12, 2017

Perhaps the greatest damage done by a toxic partner is that done to your sense of self. Regardless of how long it might have been since your relationship ended, the greatest task is to recover the knowledge and awareness of who you truly are. I believe that the first step in this process is to once again honor yourself and your own needs through self-care.

What comes to mind when you think about self-care? If you are recently out of a toxic relationship, it may simply be, “How do I survive?” But everyone who has been in a long-term relationship with a pathological partner will need to focus on self-care for the rest of their lives.

There are so many ideas about what self-care is, how we should do it, when to do it, who to self-care with and so on. All the expectations can be disheartening when you’re trying to figure out where to start.

In this article, I want to help you take that first step in beginning to explore what types of self-care resonate with you and what you can add into your life on a regular basis that you may not have considered self-care before. I will keep it simple, and over time you will learn to listen to your inner voice and discover how to best support yourself.

Why Is Self-Care Important?

Perhaps because it is the way to begin adding respect back into our lives. If you have not had the kind of partner, or even the kind of parent, that cared for you in the way you wanted to be, self-care is the way to re-educate your psyche about your true value. No one else will do this for you.

Prioritizing your own needs as much as the care you give others will add to the energy you have for them at the same time it reduces stress and helps make you more resilient.

Giving to yourself not only helps you reclaim your personal power, the added self-respect can help you maintain no-contact and resist other toxic individuals in the future. It helps you manage anxiety in the present and supports you through the new life you are creating.

Define Self-Care for Yourself

When you think of self-care, you might think of a dozen things you see other people doing, some of which you may have tried yourself but found they didn’t stick. That is okay; it’s where I started. I tried all sorts of things like yoga, meditation, “power-walks.” Although these can also be good tools for self-care, eventually I realized that I needed to put together something unique for myself.

You can begin without anyone else knowing what you’re doing and you can give yourself time to figure out what will fit best for you and your life right now. Please know that just by reading this article you have started your journey into self-care!

Caring for yourself can come in four forms: physical, emotional, mental and spiritual, and, of course, many activities can apply to more than one of these categories. For instance, meditation can be classified as all four – physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. Riding a bike can be physical and mental or having tea with a friend can be emotional and mental.

You will be able to classify activities for yourself once you try a few that feel comfortable.

Here are some results to look for from each of these forms of self-care when determining whether an activity is a good fit for you:

Physical – when you feel a release of tension in your body

Emotional – when you notice you are feeling lighter inside and maybe even smiling more

Mental – when you’re not worrying as much or your mind has “no comment”

Spiritual – when you feel a deeper connection to your creator, higher power or nature.

Take a moment right now and think of one activity that you enjoy doing that could fall under one or more of these categories.

If you thought of something, that’s great! If nothing came to mind yet, that’s okay. Here are a few ideas you can try putting into your regular routine as a new step toward better self-care that won’t take much extra time:

1. When you wake up, say to yourself, “Good morning, beautiful!” (Even if you don’t believe it yet, your body will feel it and start to believe it.)
2. Any time during your day when you are grateful for something, say three thank yous: “Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!”
3. Take some time to daydream. For me, this allows my brain to ‘just be’ rather than focusing on the constant overload of stimuli in my environment.
4. If you take the bus, get off one or two stops ahead of your usual stop and enjoy a short walk…or park your car a little distance from where you are going.
5. Take the kids to a new playground or playgroup.

You can make up more gentle ‘word’ exercises that can be done inside your head or you can say them out loud, whichever you prefer. Doing something different is a way to tell your body, mind and soul that you love them, you care for them and you will always be there for them.

Remembering Self-Care

Some of my clients get excited about these exercises and then ask me how to remember to do them! Good question…and I’m going to ask it of you. How will you remember to do these initial exercises?

One way is to write one word or a short sentence on a sticky note and put it somewhere you will see it throughout the day. Another idea is to take a picture of that sticky note and use it as your phone’s  wallpaper. Here are a few more reminder ideas:

1. Use the picture as your computer’s wallpaper.
2. Create a reminder word for yourself, like “Morning” or “Grateful” and just say that word throughout the day; when the time comes, you may remember the activity easier.
3. Set up some reminders on your phone.
4. If you’re trying the extra bus stop self-care tool, identify a landmark that can remind you to get off at the next stop instead of your usual one. 5. If you are still having intrusive thoughts, that can be a good enough reminder to focus on self-care!

Your Soul Voice

I would like to talk to you now about ‘the voices in your head.’ Why do I want to discuss the way you talk to yourself? Well, the voices that come to you is one way your toxic partner continues to abuse you long after s/he is gone. Yet getting to know these voices is a great way to create positive change in your life. Understanding the way you talk to yourself provides excellent insight into how you might better care for yourself.

Your Soul Voice is one of your greatest tools. No one else can take total control of that voice. It is something you were born with and it is an integral part of who you are. This voice wants the best for you, always. Allow yourself to listen for your Soul Voice right now… Take a deep breath in and relax your shoulders…Good. You can even close your eyes while doing this. Take another deep breath. Excellent, now say to yourself, “Hello self, it’s nice to hear from you today.” What happens? Did you smile? Feel a bit weird? Want to shout out?

Whether it was a faint giggle or just a “hello,” the first word, thought or sensation that you hear or see or feel is your beautiful soul’s voice letting you know that it’s here for you and always will be.

Because you have heard put-downs, accusations and all sorts of harsh words coming at you during the time you were with your toxic partner, you will probably have many different voices wanting to be heard when you try to listen for your Soul Voice. Remember that the Soul Voice will always be loving and gentle; that’s how you know you’re listening to the right words.

Following A Gentle Leader

With these new ideas and perhaps different ways of thinking about your personal self-care, be gentle with yourself. Know that it is a process that needs nurturing and takes practice. Your beautiful light is always shining and by holding loving space for it, you are honoring yourself and your journey..

Take one more deep breath with me… in… and let it go….

Many blessings to you, beautiful being of light!