Survive, Transform, Soar! – Issue #3

The Worst Virus of All: Fear

Article by: Dawn Aegle in SurviveTransformSoar.com | Friday, March 24, 2017

Last week we learned from Sandra L. Brown that joy can be catching, like a virus. Unfortunately, it’s not the only emotion that spreads. Researchers are finding how much we are influenced—right down to our DNA—by the emotions of people around us.

In fact, there’s an entire classification of people now—which you may very well fall into if you’ve been trapped in a pathological relationship—called empaths (more information here). Empaths are on the far end of the sensitivity spectrum…feeling and absorbing the emotions of the people around them. But we all do this to some degree and more than most people realize, scientists are discovering.

What Motivates Us?

I remember sitting in on a marketing class in college where the professor made the point that the two greatest motivators for humans are hope and fear…and the greatest of these is fear. It’s certainly evident that the marketing handlers of our politicians learned that one! Give a person a reason to be afraid and they are much more likely to give you their money, their time or their vote to solve ‘the problem.’

Most of our partners with Cluster B personality disorders understand this dynamic well, even if only subconsciously. They seem to know just when to back off on the intimidation and interject some hope. This is why you hang on so long. Combine that with their projections of their own unacceptable emotions and intentions onto you and it’s no wonder you start to feel crazy and confused by the time they are done with you.

Their projection is a key reason, among a few other things, for what becomes your own imbalance. You begin to believe their view of you, hanging onto hope that by ‘fixing’ yourself, you can regain the love that seemed so real at the beginning. And as much as they seem to be strong and arrogant and in control, underlying all their behavior is fear. Fear of you, fear of abandonment, but mostly fear of themselves…and that is not something you can fix, much as you might hope to.

This is generally what a person feels like inside when they have a Cluster B personality disorder. Spend a lot of time with them and you will likely begin to feel this way too.

I think fear is at the root of all pathology. That fear—that the self is not acceptable or “enough”—drives a toxic partner to elevate him or herself above others. There is a high need to stay in control by squashing the significant people around them. Ultimately, if you stay, you absorb that fear and begin to feel unacceptable yourself.

If you have ended a relationship with a narcissist or other personality-disordered person, you are likely in pain. It may be the intense pain that you feel immediately after leaving your partner or the dull ache that continues years later when treatment has not occurred or been successful. (Yes, it is possible to ‘get stuck’ in Stage 1 Survival mode.)

Where Did You Go?

This pain and all the other symptoms you experience are mostly related to your loss of ‘self.’ If you have spent much time in a toxic relationship, i.e., one with an individual who has some or many of the traits of pathology, you have been robbed of your own natural personality and sense of self.

By this, I mean that what you always thought were qualities in yourself—your positive traits, talents, skills and accomplishments—have been minimized and criticized. The traits in yourself that you did not like have been discovered, scrutinized, magnified and incessantly focused upon. If you are like most people, this constant judgment and expression of displeasure makes you question yourself and over time, bit-by-bit, compromise away parts of yourself until there is not much left that you recognize.

If you have stayed in the relationship and, as often happens, become isolated from a support structure of friends and family, it is hard for you to see in yourself anything but the projected self-mage of your partner—the parts of themselves they cannot accept, which is another way of saying the parts of themselves that they fear.

The interconnectedness that researchers are discovering exists among us all is even stronger between people who spend many hours together, such as a mate, co-worker or boss. As you probably have experienced, the strong emotions of one person can spread like a virus through a family, a workplace and even a community.

Cradle your fear in hands of love and acceptance. There is a reason it is there. In coming to know it, you will be able to retain the knowledge that will protect you and let go of what you no longer need.

What Can You Do?

I’ve heard it said that the opposite of love is not hate; it is fear. As survivors of toxic relationships, our greatest challenge after the relationship ends is to find ourselves again, to return to authenticity. We must summon up within ourselves the ability to love again…and to begin with loving ourselves. This is the way we heal the virus of fear. This is the purpose of Stage 2. This is why we enter the chrysalis.

What are the primary tasks of the chrysalis? The path away from fear and toward self-love?

(Returning to an ability to love others comes with emergence from the cocoon into Stage 3 Soaring)

1. Informing Yourself – What happened to you? Who was that person you thought you knew? What resources are available to help you recover?

2. Choosing Yourself – Prioritize your own self-care. Begin loving yourself as you wish your partner had been able to do. Take care of your body. Protect your emotions and create the safety that will allow them to gradually emerge.

3. Knowing and expressing yourself again – Through self-expression you will come to better know yourself. Journal. Meditate. Make art. Consider therapy.

4. Being Yourself – It is OK to be authentic now. There is nothing wrong with you. You are beautiful as you are. Most of all, you are worthy of love.

You will find, as you rest through (as opposed to ‘work through’ – be gentle with yourself) these Stage 2 tasks, that your fear diminishes and you begin to rekindle self-trust. That trust will grow into more trust of others as you emerge from your cocoon and expose yourself to more people and experiences. Soon, you will be one of those who is spreading viral joy and love, helping us all reach the tipping point that halts the fear virus.

I like to think of it as ‘Transforming Trauma into Tremendous’ – and I hope that is catching…

Because survival is not enough!