Do You Know You’re in A Toxic Relationship?

It is very common for partners in toxic relationships to feel confused and to self-blame for the problems in the relationship. Many people in Pathological Love Relationships (PLRs) don’t know they are being abused.

There is another type of red flag—which is also important to recognize if you are concerned about a friend or family member. The following 18 tip-offs indicate you or a loved one may be dealing with a toxic, pathological partner.

These indicators generally get worse over time. But they’re interspersed with “love bombing” or “honeymoon periods” to keep you attached by generating hope. These techniques are also called “hoovering”—after the vacuum cleaner—because they’re designed to suck you back in when you try to leave or after you break up.

1. Blaming you for all problems or disagreements and for their failures
2. Isolating you – limiting or sabotaging your ability to work, see friends and family, go places without them, have money or transportation to pursue your interests and limiting your access to information, such as denying you a computer, TV, phone, ability to go to school, etc.
3. Gaslighting you
4. Insisting on sexual activities or frequency that you are not comfortable with
5. “Spying” on you – reading your emails, listening to phone calls or messages, monitoring your social media, checking up on your whereabouts or any other type of stalking
6. Not respecting a clear boundary you have set
7. Addictions –all addicts are narcissistic; not all narcissists are addicts
8. Lying
9. Double standards – creating and holding you to “rules” they’re not willing to honor themselves
10. A need for control
    1. Rigidity – There’s only one right way of doing things—their way.
    2. An intolerance of you having a different opinion from them
    3. Treating you like an object they own
11. An uptight feeling of needing to be on-guard; feeling a subtle need to please them; anxiety when anticipating doing or thinking something they won’t like
12. Feeling surprised by a negative reaction when you were relaxed and “being yourself”
13. Minimizing, criticizing, demeaning or dismissing you or others
14. Not keeping commitments – showing up for a date, going to work, paying child support, not doing something they said they would do…with no explanation or apology
15. Living in a state of confusion; learning to mistrust your own feelings and perceptions
16. Having disagreements where problems are discussed round and round but not resolved
17. Unpredictability – they change on a whim to keep you de-stabilized about yourself and the relationship
18. Of course, any physical abuse or threats of it toward you, your children or pets

If you notice several of these red flags in your partner, it is likely you are living with someone who has a personality disorder or other psychopathology. Please educate yourself about these disorders and seek the help you need to decide whether you should leave to protect yourself. A toxic relationship can destroy your life and your sense of self.

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